Relationship Counselling Temecula. Over the past twenty years there's been targeted attention on the importance of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The conjecture is that the greater the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the "good enough" connection the couple has. What's really engaging about connection/attachment is it's a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our chances of surviving and having longevity over time. It is also the very first thing in our committed love relationships to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement within the couple.
Divorce statistical data in America are astounding. In first weddings it is 50%, in second unions it is 67% and third unions it is 73%. Given these statistics, it might make sense that if you've got a sound relationship you would want to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what percentage of us do this? In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it's been extraordinarily uncommon to see a pair present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship disharmony. It is more the standard to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored any longer.
According to renowned psychological specialist Dr. John Gottman, who has spent 20 plus years researching relations, the first sign of an unsettled couple is when there are more negative than positive interactions in their emotional inventory, particularly during conflict. The therapist's goal is to assist the couple in promoting positive end result patterns. This is done through being able to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that advises there is a problem is "nothing is adequate" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being investigated and criticized by your other half. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman makes reference to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new methods of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The 4th indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to mend those conflicts. The aim of care here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by augmenting their skill set in communication. This is realized by helping them to mend hurtful/irritated feelings. Couples require help to be told how to process their feelings in ways which support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defensive mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own errors and attributes all negative mess ups/traits to their partner. What's especially engaging about this is that at the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive endowments/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over a period of time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the analysis it is the erosion of the comradeship, the basis of the relationship that begins to go downhill over time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the closeness, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summing up, a couple needs to stay aware, mindful, frolicsome, and compassionate with each other. Replenishing fellowship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a good relationship.
Divorce statistical data in America are astounding. In first weddings it is 50%, in second unions it is 67% and third unions it is 73%. Given these statistics, it might make sense that if you've got a sound relationship you would want to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what percentage of us do this? In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it's been extraordinarily uncommon to see a pair present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship disharmony. It is more the standard to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored any longer.
According to renowned psychological specialist Dr. John Gottman, who has spent 20 plus years researching relations, the first sign of an unsettled couple is when there are more negative than positive interactions in their emotional inventory, particularly during conflict. The therapist's goal is to assist the couple in promoting positive end result patterns. This is done through being able to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The 2nd indicator that advises there is a problem is "nothing is adequate" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being investigated and criticized by your other half. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Dr. Gottman makes reference to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The 4 markers of this second factor are, criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new methods of connecting with one another.
The third dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is known as emotional disengagement. This may appear as a marked lack of sharing within the couple, marked by low love, humour, demonstration of interest in each other, excitement, playfulness, happiness, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to suggest that the withdrawal must end.
The 4th indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a failure to mend those conflicts. The aim of care here should be not on conflict avoidance but rather to help couples toward conflict resolution by augmenting their skill set in communication. This is realized by helping them to mend hurtful/irritated feelings. Couples require help to be told how to process their feelings in ways which support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defensive mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own errors and attributes all negative mess ups/traits to their partner. What's especially engaging about this is that at the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive endowments/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over a period of time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the analysis it is the erosion of the comradeship, the basis of the relationship that begins to go downhill over time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the closeness, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The sixth indicator is shutdown due to protracted unresolved issues/discussions. Issues overmaster the couple and this leads to fight or flight in all relationships, not only committed relations. The cause of this is that our physiological arousal system is present. It is like being in a repeated state of raised hysteria; with increased heartbeat rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of prolonged strain clouds our capability to listen and make choices. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physiological arousal and then learn stress-reducing secrets as well as self and other soothing strategies, which should assist them to be more present with each other. The goal is to increase productive dialoguing between the couple to market problem solving.
In summing up, a couple needs to stay aware, mindful, frolicsome, and compassionate with each other. Replenishing fellowship and learning new or forgotten ways of engaging with each other promote a good relationship.
About the Author:
Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She will be able to found at Psychological consultant Temecula.
