Relationship Counseling Temecula. During the last two decades there was focused attention on the seriousness of emotional intelligence and remaining connected. The theory is that the larger the emotional intelligence of the couples relationship, the more successful the relationship. Emotional intelligence is a predictor of the "good enough" connection the couple has. What is truly interesting about connection/attachment is it is a sustaining force in our life from birth to death. It increases our odds of surviving and having longevity over a period. It's also the first thing in our committed love relations to misfire. It may look like complacency or emotional and social disengagement in the couple.
Divorce statistical data in America are astounding. In first weddings it is 50%, in second unions it is 67% and third unions it is 73%. Given these statistics, it might make sense that if you've got a sound relationship you would want to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what percentage of us do this? In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it's been extraordinarily uncommon to see a pair present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship disharmony. It is more the standard to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored any longer.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The second indicator that advocates there's a problem is "nothing is good enough" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being scrutinized and criticised by your companion. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Doctor. Gottman appertains to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The four markers of this 2nd factor are, feedback, defensiveness, disregard and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new ways of connecting with each other.
The 3rd dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is commonly known as emotional disengagement. This can appear as a marked shortage of sharing in the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in one another, excitement, playfulness, contentment, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to proffer the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own blunders and features all negative gaffes/features to their partner. What's especially fascinating about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive features/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the study it is the erosion of the closeness, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over a period of time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the comradeship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The 6th indicator is shutdown due to chronic unresolved issues/arguments. Issues overwhelm the couple and this leads directly to run or fight in all relations, not only committed relationships. The reason for this is that our physical arousal system is present. It is like being in a constant state of raised anxiety; with increased heart rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of chronic stress clouds our ability to listen and make calls. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physical arousal and then learn stress-reducing systems as well as self and other relaxing techniques, which will allow them to be more present with one another. The goal is to extend productive dialoguing between the couple to push problem fixing.
In summation, a pair wants to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing closeness and learning new or forgotten methods of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
Divorce statistical data in America are astounding. In first weddings it is 50%, in second unions it is 67% and third unions it is 73%. Given these statistics, it might make sense that if you've got a sound relationship you would want to keep it in good working order. Therefore , it would be wise to keep your marriage or committed relationship fine tuned like a musical instrument. Yet what percentage of us do this? In my 30 years of experience in working with couples it's been extraordinarily uncommon to see a pair present for treatment in the early stages of marital or relationship disharmony. It is more the standard to see couples present for treatment when there relationship is in so much distress that it cannot be ignored any longer.
According to famous therapist Doctor. John Gottman, who has spent 20 and years researching relationships, the first sign of a turbulent couple is when there are way more negative than positive interactions in their emotional repertoire, especially during conflict. The therapist's goal is to help the couple in promoting positive outcome patterns. This is done thru having the ability to differentiate adaptive and maladaptive patterns.
The second indicator that advocates there's a problem is "nothing is good enough" syndrome. It is when everything you do is being scrutinized and criticised by your companion. The affect is more negative than positive. What appears in the relationship is what Doctor. Gottman appertains to as the "Four Horseman of the Apocalypse." The four markers of this 2nd factor are, feedback, defensiveness, disregard and stonewalling. The therapist's goal here is to teach the couple new ways of connecting with each other.
The 3rd dysfunctional pattern is withdrawal/isolation. This is what is commonly known as emotional disengagement. This can appear as a marked shortage of sharing in the couple, marked by low affection, humor, demonstration of interest in one another, excitement, playfulness, contentment, supportiveness and empathy. The therapist's goal here is to proffer the withdrawal must end.
The fourth indicator is repeated unresolved conflict and a neglecting to repair those conflicts. The purpose of treatment here should be not on conflict avoidance just to help couples towards conflict resolution by increasing their skill base in communication. This is accomplished by helping them to repair distressing/indignant feelings. Couples need help to learn how to process their feelings in ways that support the relationship.
The fifth indicator has to do with what is known in psychology as "projection." This is a defense mechanism whereby the individual fails to see their own blunders and features all negative gaffes/features to their partner. What's especially fascinating about this is that in the beginning of a relationship it is completely opposite. The individual will attribute more positive features/qualities to the partner than negative. So what is it that happens over time in dysfunctional relationships that changes this dynamic? According to the study it is the erosion of the closeness, the foundation of the relationship that begins to deteriorate over a period of time. the antidote to this is to reconstruct the comradeship, as this is the source of the source of the relationship's strength.
The 6th indicator is shutdown due to chronic unresolved issues/arguments. Issues overwhelm the couple and this leads directly to run or fight in all relations, not only committed relationships. The reason for this is that our physical arousal system is present. It is like being in a constant state of raised anxiety; with increased heart rate, respiration, perspiration, and blood pressure. This state of chronic stress clouds our ability to listen and make calls. The antidote is to help the couple develop awareness. Of their physical arousal and then learn stress-reducing systems as well as self and other relaxing techniques, which will allow them to be more present with one another. The goal is to extend productive dialoguing between the couple to push problem fixing.
In summation, a pair wants to remain aware, aware, playful, and merciful with one another. Renewing closeness and learning new or forgotten methods of engaging with one another promote a healthy relationship.
About the Author:
Linda Comin practices relationship counseling in Temecula, CA. She will be able to found at Psychological consultant Temecula.
